The Professional Bird Pessimist

it’s hard to describe a bird pessimist. Okay, it isn’t really. What is really hard, however, is describing a professional bird pessimist.

So, how does one go from being a common, ordinary bird pessimist to someone who can actually charge for their services? At what point do you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are gifted, truly gifted in your pessimism, that you have what others only dream of having, and as a result you decide to make your pessimism your life’s work? When do you cross the threshold and conclude that your bird pessimism is a way that you can help humanity, that your pessimism can bring aid and comfort to the injured, lost, and hurting in the birding community – dare I say – to the whole world?

And when that moment comes, and you rent your first hall to give your first talk about how you are always the one with the sun in your eyes, the one who did not see the last bird go by, the one who doesn’t think anymore birds are coming, the one who is sure the birds are passing to the east or to the west … when your speech is prepared, your audience is seated and you look our across the auditorium, across the sea of depressed and distraught faces that seem so much like your own, does your heart skip a beat at the unexpected taste of satisfaction as you realize “Eureka! I have found my calling. I am home! I am home at last!”

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